


Invisible Scars

by DannyCalavera



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety Attacks, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author is projecting onto everyone, Best Friends, Danger, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Graphic Depictions of Illness, I did what they did, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, Inspired by Real Events, Mental Health Issues, Non-Explicit Sex, Not Beta Read, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Reality, Recreational Drug Use, References to Depression, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tattoos, Therapy, These characters got issues, Threesome - F/M/M, Veterans, You Have Been Warned, get help if you need it, toxic environment, you gon' learn today
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:21:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23838265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DannyCalavera/pseuds/DannyCalavera
Summary: Trigger Warnings: ALL OF THEM!I am a military veteran suffering from PTSD. I wrote this as my own therapy and to put my experiences of PTSD onto paper. I gave all of the characters some elements of my own symptoms. All of the situations are 95% exactly how they occurred in real life, slight changes were made for privacy/creative license (I obviously don't use magic). Basically if you replace the Wizarding War with Afghanistan and Iraq and smoosh all of the characters into one person, you get my life.Hopefully you can learn about PTSD from this.If you suffer from PTSD or any mental health problem:Get help.I guarantee someone is going through the same thing you are.DON'T SUFFER ALONE.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Other
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

Harry woke up screaming, again. Blinking, he could still see the faint green glow behind his closed eyes. Another nightmare. It had been 4 months since the end of the war, and he had the same nightmare every night. Every time he fell asleep, he could see the green bolt of the Unforgivable Curse hitting him square in the chest and Voldemort’s face twisted in an evil victorious grin. As soon as the spell hit him, he would wake up screaming soaked in sweat. After Harry had caught his breath and checked to remind himself he was still very much alive, he leaned over and looked at the alarm clock.

_04:23_

He had only been asleep half an hour. Climbing out of bed he peeled off the t-shirt that was clinging to his body with sweat. Looking back at the bed he saw the duvet had been kicked across the room and his half of the bed had a wet patch the same size as his body. Harry sighed. He would deal with the clean up later, it wasn’t like he was going back to sleep anytime soon. He walked to the bathroom, not really aware of his own movements and climbed into the shower. He turned on the cold tap, not touching the hot. The cold water calmed him down and brought his mind sharply back into reality. After a few minutes of just standing under the freezing water he opened his eyes. They fell on the shampoos and body washes that belonged to Ginny.

 _I should really get rid of those_ he thought to himself.

Ginny had broken up with him after 2 months of being with him. She had told him that the pain of losing Fred was too much to deal with and she needed to be at home with her parents and support them whilst they grieved. The truth of it was that being with Harry Potter after the war was impossible. He became increasingly reclusive, he moved into a muggle flat far away from Diagon Alley in a neighbourhood that had no witches or wizards for miles around. He practically shunned magic, refusing to do the simplest of spells. But the worst was his anger. He would lose his temper at the slightest thing, and it was explosive. He had caught his jacket on a door handle one time and immediately put his fist clean through the door. He had fallen into addictions pretty quickly, drinking every day to the point that he could finish a bottle of rum in one sitting and not even slur his words.

The straw that broke the camel’s back for Ginny was his night terrors. She ended up permanently sleeping on the couch just to be able to get some sleep. Not that her sleep was any more peaceful, her dreams were plagued with images of Fred laying lifeless on the floor with George crying over his dead twin. One night Harry was having a particularly vivid nightmare and his screams were beginning to scare her, she went to him and tried to gently wake him up to save him from his night terrors. Harry had woken up swinging. The moment she touched his shoulder, in one swift movement, he sat bolt upright and broken her nose. Before he had realised what had happened, she had left the flat and never returned. Even after she accepted his apology the relationship was clearly over.

After his shower Harry threw on the first clothes he could see, he didn’t care if they were clean or dirty. He didn’t care about much these days. He had let his hair grow and he had stopped shaving. Dropping onto his couch he pulled a cigarette out of the packet on the coffee table and stared into nothing as he smoked it. As soon as he had finished it, he lit another. He had begun chain smoking after particularly bad nights which usually meant at least three cigarettes before the sun came up. He took a big drag on his cigarette, savouring the menthol taste and blindly feeling for the TV remote. The only thing on TV at this time in the morning was sports, news or the adult channels. He didn’t care for muggle sports and he didn’t care about what was going on in the muggle world, so he turned to the adult channels. In truth he didn’t even care for that either, the writhing women on the screen didn’t turn him on at all but it served enough of a distraction to temporarily block out the scenes of the war in his head and what it had felt like to die.

The sunlight filtering past the curtains and the blank screen showing that the adult channel had finished broadcasting for the day brought him out of his thoughts. Looking at the clock he saw it was a little before 7am. He climbed off the couch and put on some shoes and waited in his kitchen for Hermione. Everyone who had fought in the war had come out of it damaged in some way, Hermione had been the only one who seemed to have a handle on her trauma. She had not come away unharmed by any means. She had lost her parents when she obliviated them, she had been tortured by Bellatrix Lestrange and she had watched Harry die. Even though Harry had been brought back with the resurrection stone, seeing your best friend die was not easy to live with. She would always come and visit Harry in the mornings to check he was okay and to take him out, so he didn’t spend his days in his flat drinking himself to death.

At 7:30 on the dot there was a knock at his door as it opened. Hermione always let herself in, she quickly learned that Harry would never usually answer the door to anyone.

“You should probably lock your front door” she shouted from the hallway “Anyone could come in and rob the place”

“If they can find anything worth stealing, they are welcome to it” Harry shouted in reply.

Hermione stood in the doorway to the living room and looked up and down Harry as he stood there.

“Bad night?” she asked taking in his dishevelled appearance and the dark circles around his eyes.

“I think I have forgotten what it’s like to have a decent night’s sleep” he replied.

“Haven’t we all? Breakfast?” she knew first-hand how rare a dreamless sleep was to them all. She had cried herself to sleep wailing for her mum and dad more times than she would ever admit to and had woken up shouting Harry’s name into the darkness just as often. “I told Neville I would come and get you and meet him in the city this morning if you’re up to it?” she continued. “might as well, I’m nearly out of cigs and booze” Harry shrugged throwing on a blazer jacket and following Hermione out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Out on the street Harry pulled two cigarettes out of the pack in his jacket and put them both in his mouth. Fishing out his lighter he lit both and held one out for Hermione. She had started smoking not long after the end of the war, she had said that it helped stop her hands from shaking. The only times her hands didn’t shake was when she was using her wand, smoking or drunk, the rest of the time her hands were firmly stuck in her pockets. Hermione had stayed within the magical community after the war and still practiced magic. When Harry had left magic behind, she didn’t try to stop him. She understood that he felt he needed to take some time away from the world that had taken so much from him, from all of them. They walked in silence until they had finished their cigarettes and Hermione held her hand up at the first taxi she saw. Even though she could have apparated them to the café in Diagon Alley where they were to meet Neville, she respected Harry’s decision to not use magic and took muggle transport whenever she was with him.

The taxi dropped them a few streets away from the Leaky Cauldron and the two friends split the fare. Harry had his vast inheritance almost entirely converted into muggle money, but he didn’t spend it like he used to. He spent just enough to survive, the money reminded him of the wizarding world, and he avoided that whenever he could. Stepping inside the wizard pub, a wave of anxiety and adrenaline rose inside Harry. In a few seconds, Harry had made a mental note of how many people were in the pub and where all the doors and windows were. This feeling grew stronger as he followed Hermione through to the back of the pub. He fought every urge to just turn around and run as fast as he can back to the muggle world. When the pair reached the wall that separated Diagon Alley from the Leaky Cauldron a sense of dread sat over Harry.

Hermione pulled out her wand and Harry flinched, he instinctively turned away from her as she began tapping the bricks. Harry took a deep breath as the sound of the moving bricks stopped. Turning around, the sight of the wizarding high street made his breath hitch. Business had returned to normal relatively quickly after the end of the war. Most of the shops in Diagon Alley had reopened and were busy, except for the Weasley twins’ joke shop. He could feel his heart beating faster as he stepped out onto the street. Some of the older witches and wizards recognised Harry through his shoulder length hair and rough beard. Many eyes tried to meet the eyes of ‘the saviour of the wizarding world’, the look he returned suddenly made whatever they were stood next to seem like the most interesting thing in the world. The pair walked through the mass of people going about their day to day. As they passed the entrance to Knockturn Alley, Harry caught a glimpse of a wizard in dark robes holding a wand. He froze, his heart began beating hard through his chest and he began to hyperventilate. Harry felt an arm slip inside his own and he pulled away so quickly he hit the wall of a nearby shop. Standing with his back pressed to the wall, his vision swam as Hermione’s face dominated his eyesight. The young witch had a look of concern on her face that Harry knew well, he had seen that look throughout their many adventures. She was saying something to him, but he couldn’t quite hear her through the sound of his pulse beating in his ears.

“It’s okay Harry, I’m here” Hermione repeated, fixing his gaze with her own.

“Just give me a second” Harry replied through ragged breaths.

Harry slid down the wall and sat on the cobblestone floor. He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. He stared at his feet as he tried to bring his breath and nerves under control. Finishing his cigarette, Harry got up and carried on walking with Hermione. “I’m sorry, I…” Harry began but the witch immediately cut him off “Don’t be, I hate walking past there too”.


	3. Chapter 3

The pair arrived at the café and stood staring at the menu board.

“Do they serve alcohol?” Harry mused.

“Harry! Its not even 10 o’clock!” Hermione giggled, nudging her best friend with her shoulder.

“It’s after 6 somewhere!” Harry chuckled

“We’ll go out later” the young witch conceded.

Far from being the strait-laced bookworm she was at school; Hermione didn’t have the healthiest relationship with alcohol either. The war had matured them all beyond their years, and they had each discovered a vice to help keep their individual demons at bay. After the war, Ron had all but vanished from the lives of Harry and Hermione. Ron and Hermione had broken up after she discovered that he was dealing with his trauma in the beds of six other witches. It was common to find Harry, Hermione and several other Dumbledore’s Army veterans in various pubs around London. They would drink and share war stories with each other which would cause them to drink more. Often, they would find themselves passed out on each other’s floors or alone in the grip of deep depression.

The pair settled on a breakfast of black coffee and a bacon and egg sandwich, they found a table and made plans for the day.

A few minutes into their meal the bell on the café door rang. Looking up, the pair saw the tall shape of Neville Longbottom standing in the doorway. The wizard scanned the café looking for his friends. Everyone in the room were drawn to his eyes, he had the eyes of a man who had seen more death in one moment than anyone should in a lifetime. During the Battle for Hogwarts, Neville had stood alone at the wooden bridge to the Forbidden Forest facing down hundreds of assembled Death Eaters. Baiting them, he raced across the bridge to safety. As they were about to catch him, Neville blew up the bridge whilst he was still on it. He barely made it to safety as the bridge collapsed under him. with one simple charm, Neville had killed more Death Eaters than everyone that fought for the Light combined. He had been awarded the Pendragon Medal for that action, the wizarding world’s highest award for bravery. Harry had been awarded one too, every other recipient had died earning theirs. Since that moment, Neville’s eyes stared right through you, as if he was looking straight into your soul.

Neville had learned the term “The Thousand Yard Stare” to describe his look when he and Harry had been given their medals at a secret ceremony at Buckingham Palace. The official account of their bravery was read out and The Queen had pinned the medal to their robes, hearing of their exploits had caused an unpleasant feeling in them both. At the first opportunity, the two wizards shed their robes and headed outside for some fresh air. After a few minutes of wandering around the palace grounds, the pair had found the barracks that housed the Guards who stood outside the palace when they were off duty. Outside of the barracks were stood two guardsmen minus their traditional red coats and bearskins, they were both smoking and chatting to each other.

“Alright lads?” Harry greeted, approaching the two guards. He pulled two cigarettes out of a packet and offered one to Neville. The taller wizard turned down the offer and Harry put the cigarette back, accepting a light from one of the guardsmen.

“So, what are you here for?” the younger guard asked.

“Medals” Harry replied looking up at the cloud of smoke he had just blown into the air.

“Afghanistan?”

“Nope” Harry said looking at the young soldier.

“Are you Special Forces?” the guard continued, clearly excited.

“No” Neville answered.

“Right, because a guy with a thousand yard stare as bad as yours getting a medal in secret has _nothing_ to do with the Special Forces” the young guard chuckled sarcastically.

The two wizards and the older guard looked at the lad with a stare that said, ‘Stop talking, _now_!’

Sensing his mistake, the young soldier finished his cigarette, said his goodbyes and quickly left. The older guard waited until they were alone and looked at Neville

“Fucking good work on that bridge mate!” he whispered.

“How the fuck did you know that?!” Neville spluttered, fear and confusion on his face.

“My niece will be starting her 3rd year at Hogwarts in September; her Mum is an Auror. They are both alive because of what you did, both of you. Thank you.” The guard shook their hands and headed back inside. Sharing a solemn look, the two wizards headed back inside the Palace.

The effects of the reminders of the horrors that they saw in the war meant that the two wizards were disdainful of their awards. They both felt they didn’t deserve them when so many people gave the ultimate sacrifice fighting the Dark Lord. Harry’s medal is still sat in its box in a drawer in his flat, he put it there as soon as he got back from the Palace and hasn’t touched it since. Neville’s medal is sat on the pile of Death Eater corpses at the bottom of the ravine where he had won the medal. On his first and last visit to Hogwarts after the war, Neville had stood on the edge where the bridge used to be and silently stared down into the dark. After an hour he pulled out his medal and threw it into the abyss. He had never told anyone that in that hour he thought about throwing himself over the edge.


	4. Chapter 4

After breakfast the three friends headed, at Harry’s request, back into muggle London. They shopped for a few hours before getting some lunch. Harry had insisted they head into a supermarket where he stocked up on cigarettes and alcohol. They headed back to Harry’s flat so he could drop off his supplies and get into nicer clothes to go out drinking in. Hermione was already dressed to go out. She wore a fitted black leather biker jacket over a white tank top with some blue skinny jeans. Her hair had long since been tamed by straightening charms and was hanging loose down her back. Harry opted for a varsity jacket over a t-shirt and some black jeans. Neville was still in his blazer jacket and button down shirt in Griffindor red.

They took a taxi to the first muggle student bar they could find. It was late afternoon, so the bar was pretty much empty. Harry bought the first round of drinks and the three friends settled into a corner booth. As the evening went on, the trio had taken it in turns to buy the rounds and chatted and joked about everything and nothing as the bar slowly filled up. Harry and Hermione had noticed months ago that the more Neville drank the worse his flashbacks got. He would more and more often zone out and stare into nothing for a few minutes. Even if he was mid conversation he would stop and stare at nothing. However, in his minds eye he could see the bridge stretched out before him. He was running as fast as he had ever run but the safety at the end of the bridge never came any closer. He would feel the Death Eaters grab him as the flames of the exploding bridge consumed him and he would fall into the darkness with his enemies. As the night closed on the bar, Neville said his goodbyes to his friends. Harry had asked if he was okay getting home, Neville assured him he would take the Knight Bus. Harry and Hermione followed him out and watched from the outdoor smoking area as their troubled friend stepped out on to the road and on to the back of a purple bus that had appeared and disappeared in a blink.

Harry and Hermione finished their cigarettes and headed back inside where they continued to drink. Eventually they mixed in with a group of students in brightly coloured clothes.

“Are you celebrating something?” Hermione asked one of the girls.

“No, we are off to a rave. We’re just here for pre-drinks” the girl replied.

“What’s a rave?” asked the young witch.

“OHMYGOD you’ve never been to a rave?” the girl shouted excitedly.

“Erm…no?” Hermione replied, embarrassed.

“You should definitely come with us!” the girl grinned back.

“Uhm…okay!” Hermione replied after glancing at Harry who just shrugged his shoulders.

“YAY!” the girl squealed “my friends call me Snowy” she stated giving the witch a hug.

“I’m Hermione and this is Harry” Hermione replied tilting her head to the wizard at the bar.

“This is going to be so fun!” Snowy giggled, jumping up and down.


	5. Chapter 5

The group travelled on the Underground for what seemed to the two wizards like forever. They then followed their new friends into a dark area filled with warehouses. The pair could hear their destination long before they could see it, the floor was vibrating with a steady thump like a Dragon’s heartbeat. As the sound got louder, Hermione saw a long line of people queued outside a plain warehouse. She noticed they were all dressed in various combinations of neon, and some of them were wearing far too little for the time of year. _Jesus, I wear more when I go swimming!_ Hermione thought to herself as she stared at a group of barely dressed girls.

The queue for the club moved faster than she anticipated. After they had paid and had their hands stamped. The group went to check their coats in, as Hermione slipped off her leather jacket, Snowy’s eyes were drawn to the tattoo covering the witch’s entire right arm. “Wow! I love your tattoo” Snowy gushed. Hermione looked down at the artwork and a pained smile ghosted her lips. Hermione had gotten the ink just over a month ago. She had the ‘MUDBLOOD’ scar outlined in black ink with the word ‘Forever’ in a gothic script under it. The other side of her forearm had a silhouette of Hogwarts against a starry sky. Her upper arm was dominated with a large scroll bearing the names of all her loved ones she had lost to the war; her parent’s names topped the list. When she had first got the tattoo just over a month ago, she loved showing it off and everyone commented on it. A young wizard had once said “I would never get a tattoo; it would hurt too much” Hermione didn’t even look at him “Trust me, a tattoo hurts far less than spending a minute in the presence of Bellatrix Lestrange” she replied flatly. Any more mention of her tattoos swiftly ended after that.

When they stepped into the main room, they were staggered at the assault on the senses that met them. The music was deafening, there was a sea of people glowing in the dark as their neon clothes reacted to the UV lights and they were transfixed by the DJ and the most impressive light show they have ever seen.

“CHRIST! IT’S LOUD!” Hermione shouted across to Harry.

“I KNOW! I COULD DO WITHOUT THE FLASHING GREEN LIGHTS!” Harry shouted back.

He looked down at Hermione’s top and laughed out loud. She looked down to see what was so funny and saw that her white tank top was glowing as bright as a Patronus. She winced at how loud the music was and held up her hand next to Harry’s ear ready to click her fingers. She looked at him and mouthed “May I?”, he grimaced and nodded as she clicked her fingers. The wandless magic didn’t make the music any quieter, but it stopped hurting, he could also hear perfectly when anyone spoke to him directly. They found their friends gathered at the edge of the dancefloor as they were passing bottles of water out. “Who’s coming to the bathroom?” Snowy declared to the group. Two of the boys held their hands up which caused the young witch some concern. “Hermione, come with us!” Snowy shouted grabbing her by the wrist and skipping towards the bathroom.

Hermione could only see Snowy’s bright blue synthetic dreadlocks bouncing in front of her as the muggle nearly dragged her towards the bathrooms. Noticing there was no line for the men’s bathroom, Snowy didn’t even break step as she headed straight in. Hermione’s face flushed bright red with fear and embarrassment as they crossed the bathroom. She stared at the floor as if that would render her invisible. By the time she realised what had happened all four of them had squeezed into one toilet stall.

The confusion on her face must have been obvious as Snowy asked Hermione “Are you okay hun?”

“Yeah, I’ve just never done this before” Hermione replied sheepishly, not even sure what ‘this’ is.

“Aww, don’t worry. Mammy Snow will look after you” the muggle cooed, stroking Hermione’s hair.

Snowy opened her handbag and pulled out an empty CD case, a muggle debit card and a drinking straw that had been cut to an inch and a half long. She handed the CD case to one of the boys and then reached into her top, producing a small bag of white powder from her bra. She poured half of the powder on to the CD case and used the card to make four lines, one slightly smaller than the rest. “This one is yours Hermione” Snowy pointed at the smaller line with the straw before leaning over the CD case and vanishing one of the thicker lines up her nose. She passed the straw to the two boys who did the same. When it came to Hermione’s turn, she nervously took the straw and copied how the other three had snorted the powder. As it hit the back of her nose, she was hit with a strong tingling sensation behind her sinuses and a heat sat under her eyeballs. There was a horrible taste in the back of her throat which caused her face to twist in disgust.

“Eurgh! That tastes horrible” she spat.

“Don’t worry, you will feel fantastic in a minute!” one of the boys grinned to her, handing her a piece of chewing gum.

“What was that?”

“MDMA!” the boy beamed.


	6. Chapter 6

As they left the bathroom, Hermione couldn’t help grabbing at her nose as the tingling wouldn’t go away. As she crossed the dancefloor she was suddenly hit with a feeling of pure euphoria. It was the feeling of getting her Hogwarts letter, performing her first spell, going to the Yule Ball, seeing Harry alive after the Battle of Hogwarts and her first orgasm all rolled into one and multiplied by a thousand. The music sounded like the greatest thing she had ever heard; the colours of the outfits and lights were so vivid she felt like crying with happiness and the fabric of her clothes felt incredible. She drew in a huge breath as if she had just swum from the bottom of the ocean and that was her first taste of fresh air. for the first time since Voldemort had returned, Hermione Granger felt true joy in that moment. she released it with a long and loud “WOOOOOOOOO!” and ran to find her best friend.

“HARRY!” Hermione squealed, grabbing her best friend in a tight hug!

“OHMYGOD, THIS IS AMAZING!” she cried, stroking the confused wizards face.

“What’s gotten into you?” he asked a huge smile on his face.

“IT’S AMAZING! YOU SHOULD TRY IT!” she grabbed his hands and was jumping up and down in front of him.

“Try what?” he giggled unable to stop himself from jumping along with her, her happiness was so infectious.

Before she could answer Snowy ran over and wrapped herself around the young witch and pulled her towards the dancefloor, she was clearly just as happy as Hermione was.

Harry turned to the guy sat next to him. He was wild eyed and nodding his head along to the music, he was also chewing gum like he hadn’t eaten in a week.

“Dan, What’s up with Hermione?” Harry asked.

“She’s sorted mate!” Dan beamed back.

“Sorted?” Harry gave him a questioning look.

“Come with me mate and I’ll get you sorted too” Dan smiled and bounded off to the bathroom.

A few minutes after returning from the bathroom with Dan, Harry found his friends in the middle of the dancefloor. They all smiled and cheered at him when they saw his eyes and the tell tale wideness that showed the world that he was absolutely flying. The rest of the night was a blur of hugs, touching, energetic dancing and telling everyone how amazing everything was and how much they all loved each other. When the rave had finished, everyone slowly filtered out into the open air. Harry was shocked to see bright sunlight beaming down on him.

“What time is it?” Harry asked, still dancing even though there was no music.

“It’s just after 8 o’clock” Dan answered, he too was grooving along to music only he could hear.

 _8 o’clock in the morning!_ Harry was dumbfounded, they had been dancing non-stop for over 6 hours and he was nowhere close to tired. Before he could comprehend this feeling, Snowy declared an afterparty at her house. The group bundled into the nearest taxi and headed back into the city.


	7. Chapter 7

Arriving outside Snowy’s flat, Harry was pleased to see that she lived not too far away from the student bar where they had been the night before. As they all climbed the stairs to the apartment Snowy shared with Dan, Harry started to feel his eyelids getting heavy and he was struggling to walk in a straight line.

“Don’t worry mate,” Dan slurred, draping his arm over Harry’s shoulder. “We’ve got more stuff in the flat”. The door opened and everyone stepped into the dark apartment, all the curtains were closed which Harry was grateful for as the sunlight was beginning to hurt his eyes. The living room was sparsely decorated with mismatched furniture and the only ‘modern’ things in it were a flat screen TV with eight different games consoles attached to it. Everyone found a space to sit and Hermione slumped down on the sofa next to Harry. Snowy came in a moment later from the kitchen holding a dinner plate with a large pile of powder on it. “Breakfast is served!” she sang as she passed the plate around the ravers. Everyone helped themselves to a generous line as the plate was handed round. Harry cut himself and Hermione a line each as the plate reached them. After he had taken his line, Hermione leaned in close to him as she inhaled the drug. She was so close Harry’s nose and beard was in her hair. Handing the plate over to the first pair of hands he saw, Harry settled into the couch as the pleasure and energy of the Amphetamine washed over him again. It felt perfectly natural when Hermione writhed under his arm, gasping and stroking her cheeks as the high hit her. One of the muggles had put on some electronic music with a hard beat and everyone began chatting to each other, their speech was rapid, and the topics were utterly random. The pair of wizards were snuggled together bouncing their feet, hands and heads along to the music and joining in with everyone’s conversations. They were so comfortable together enjoying the shared pleasure of the drugs. They wrapped their arms around each other and broke into fits of giggles each time they writhed and moaned, almost sexually, every time another wave of the high peaked.

They had been chatting for about two hours before Hermione realised they had been openly discussing the wizarding world with a room full of muggles. Jumping out from under Harry’s arm she shouted “HARRY! The Secrets Act!” Harry’s face drained of colour, but he was saved from a complete meltdown by the rest of the room rolling with laughter. “Mate! It’s not exactly a secret!” Dan explained through tears of laughter “It’s all over the internet. Plus, everyone knows at least one person who has family or friends that are wizards!”. Hermione breathed a long sigh of relief and snuggled back under Harry’s arms. The couple couldn’t help but laugh at the silliness of the situation and that most of the muggle world was fully aware that magic existed. Another line each and the party began to wind down. When Snowy and Dan headed upstairs, people started to voice plans to head home. The sounds coming through the ceiling told everyone that Snowy and Dan were enjoying a party of a completely different kind and that was Harry and Hermione’s cue to leave.

Out on the street they shared a cigarette and Harry hailed a taxi. Harry’s flat was only a few minutes away and soon the two best friends were laid on Harry’s bed, still fully clothed, talking absolute nonsense to each other until the drugs wore off and they both fell asleep.

Harry and Hermione had the longest, most peaceful dreamless sleep they had had in years.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry and Hermione continued to party with their new raver friends for months. They immersed themselves in the lifestyle. They lived for the weekend, marking time until they could just let loose. They each had several dealers that would supply them with whatever they needed for a party. Harry had begun dabbling in DJing and music production. Hermione was now sporting bright purple hair with one side shaved down to the skin and had acquired many more tattoos. Their relationship with each other had changed. They were still best friends, but they would sometimes sleep with each other after a party. They would also sleep with other people if the opportunity arose. There was no judgement between them when they took drugs together, there was no boundary they could not cross with each other. They would go out to raves with their friends, or just find a party themselves and make friends through a shared love of music and drugs. If they couldn’t find a party, they would stay at Harry’s flat and just take MDMA and discuss anything and everything for hours. Their partying invariably ended up with the pair in ridiculous situations. Harry and Hermione had gone to Europe for a festival, Harry spent several hours taking Ecstasy on a Ferris wheel with total strangers. The pair had laughed hysterically as Hermione described how she had to extract herself from the headlining DJ’s bed, without waking up the DJ and the girl she had shared him with. One night in London they had ended up taking Speed in the house of a YouTube star who didn’t speak a word of English. Another night saw them burning through £200 worth of Cocaine together in Harry’s flat and having sex for hours.

On the first anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts the couple had been told that George Weasley had been found dead. He had gone missing the night before and his body was found next to his twin’s grave. He had been found with his wand gripped tightly in his hand and had been struck by the Killing Curse, an investigation by the Aurors had found that the curse came from his own wand. Harry and Hermione dealt with that news the way they had been dealing with their own traumas, they bought as much Amphetamine as they could and took the lot. They didn’t sleep for four days and at one point Harry took so much he couldn’t stand up and spent two hours shaking violently on the sofa. Truthfully, they enjoyed the party lifestyle. When they were high, the pain of the war and the nightmares totally disappeared. They could feel as close to normal as they could get and when they finally crashed, they didn’t dream about anything.

The wheels finally came off the party train for the pair one night in a bad way. They had both gone to a warehouse rave and had just had two lines of the best MDMA their dealer could get. Hermione was off dancing with a group of girls Harry didn’t recognise and he had got chatting to two guys by the bar.

“What are you on?” one of the lads asked Harry, grinning at how big the wizard’s eyes were.

“Molly mate!” Harry replied, completely incapable of standing still.

“We’re about to go do some lines, care to join?” the other guy asked.

“Yes mate!” Harry shouted and eagerly followed his new friends to the bathroom

The three lads crammed into a toilet stall together which for Harry was standard practice on a Friday night. One of the lads took the drugs out of his pocket and set up three lines on the top of the toilet cistern. One by one they snorted their lines. Harry knew something was wrong immediately. The usual tingling sensation of Amphetamine was replaced by a painful burning sensation that spread across his entire face.

“What the fuck was that man?” Harry spluttered clutching at his nose.

The two guys were laughing hard at Harry.

“That was Ketamine!”

The word was ringing around his head as he burst out of the stall and ran to find Hermione.


	9. Chapter 9

He found Hermione still dancing with the girls, their hands all over each other. Hermione’s face lit up when she saw her best friend. “Harry!” her eyes rolled back as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss, her fingers running through his hair. She was clearly buzzing but her face dropped when she saw the look of fear on her friend’s face.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I accidentally took Ket!” he stammered.

“You accidentally took what?!” Hermione wasn’t sure she heard him correctly.

“Ketamine!” he replied, the fear evident in his voice.

“Oh fuck!” Hermione put her arm around him and swiftly marched him outside and into a taxi.

By the time they had arrived back at Harry’s flat he was talking incoherently. When Hermione finally got him into his bed, he had completely closed in on himself. He was totally at the mercy of the powerful hallucinations of the K-hole. He saw Death Eaters all around his room, each one slowly removed their mask revealing Voldemort’s face. He couldn’t move or scream as all the Voldemorts barraged him with Killing Curses. He could feel every single one hitting him over and over again. Harry watched the deaths of the victims of the war one after the other. Dumbledore, Snape, Cedric Diggory, Sirius, Remus, Tonks and Fred. He saw the tragedies he wasn’t even there for. He watched Hermione obliviate her parents and then collapse with grief, sobbing on the floor like a child. He could hear and feel all the screams and tears of everyone who had suffered in the war.

Harry’s eyes fluttered open. He was still clothed but he was on his bed. Hermione was beside him, her arms wrapped around him sound asleep. He looked at his alarm clock.

_04:00_

He had been in that nightmare for five hours. He felt utterly broken. He could still feel the anguish of everyone who had followed him against the darkness, now the darkness consumed him. Harry sobbed in despair; the sadness was overwhelming. climbing out of bed, he stood and stared out of his window. The dark street was empty, and Harry could see the rain falling through the beams of the streetlights. He wandered out of his room and across to the bathroom. His whole body felt numb. He stood in front of his bathroom mirror. Looking around the room, his eyes fell on the shampoos and body washes that once belonged to Ginny. Even though Hermione sometimes used them when she stayed the night, he couldn’t help but think, _I really should get rid of those._ Harry’s hands gripped the sink and he began to cry, his tears fell freely into the basin and down the drain. He caught a glimpse in the mirror of the lightning bolt scar on his forehead. Anger flared in his chest, _that fucking scar caused all of this,_ a voice in his head screamed. _If it hadn’t been for that scar, none of this would have happened._ Fuelled by hatred for himself, Harry drove his fist through the mirror. Hell bent on destroying ‘The Boy Who Lived’ for his role in the deaths of his friends and loved ones, Harry tore the frame off the wall.

Harry’s breathing was ragged. His eyes fell on Hermione’s overnight bag on the floor under the sink. He saw her wand in amongst the makeup. He reached in and took the wand out of the bag. He winced at the pain in his fingers; he must have broken his hand on the wall. He stood still for a moment, his hands shaking as the wand entwined with his magic. Staring at the broken tiles on the wall, he held the tip of the wand against his head.

He closed his eyes. “ _Avarda…”_


	10. Chapter 10

“ _HARRY!”_

Before he could react to the deafening screech, Harry was tackled off his feet. Tumbling into the bath, Hermione was on top of him raining punches down on him. Her punches became softer as her anguished cries got louder. She stopped hitting him when her wand clattered out of his hand. Hermione dragged her friend out of the bath, and both collapsed on the bathroom floor.

“Don’t you fucking dare, you IDIOT!” she screamed, her body shaking as she sobbed.

“What the fuck are you thinking, you selfish prick!” her last word melted into more heartbroken cries.

Harry was crying too. He lay on his side, foetal, his knees tucked under his chin.

“Why do I get to live?” he stuttered through the tears.

“Because you just do!” her shouting was as loud as her bawling.

“But I died too” Harry wailed.

“I WAS THERE!” she yelled “I can see it every time I close my eyes!”

“Why do I get to come back? Why not Sirius or Fred or ANYONE?” his entire face glistened with tears, his jaw rattled with every breath.

“Because the lives of everyone who ever knew you would have ended if you didn’t come back!” Hermione raised herself up onto her hands and stared into Harry’s eyes. “My life would have been over if you hadn’t come back. Ron, Neville, Luna, Ginny, it would have killed us all to live in a world without you”

“But its not fair” Harry sobbed.

“’One cannot live while the other survives’ if you hadn’t come back, HE would have, and then all of their deaths would have meant NOTHING!”

Hermione crawled over to Harry. She moved his head onto her lap and stroked his hair as he wept. Her T-Shirt was soaked with tears and clung to her chest. They stayed like that until all their tears had dried up.

“Stay with me, Please?” Harry had whispered before exhaustion took him.


	11. Epilogue

Hermione had given Harry an ultimatum “Get help or lose me”. She had vowed to get help for herself, she recognised that she was struggling too. Hermione had stood by Harry through the years, she had stayed at his side when everyone else had left. She stood by him in the most dangerous situations. She had stayed with him in the Forest of Dean, she made herself a fugitive so he wouldn’t have to do it alone. She would stand by him as he got help for his traumas, but only _if_ he got help.

It was a long journey. They had both sought help for their mental health, with both muggle therapists and wizarding healers. St Mungos had gotten special permission to bring the muggle therapists into their world, their chances of helping all the witches and wizards that needed them would improve if they were all aware of what had happened to them. Harry and Hermione had both been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Harry had also been diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. They had tried to get clean and stay off drugs. They realised that while they were still living in the same area and still in touch with their friends, they could never stay off drugs for long.

Harry made the decision to move out of his flat, Hermione had moved out of hers too. They decided to move in together. In a nice compromise, they had found a house in a muggle neighbourhood which was much closer to Diagon Alley. Harry had agreed that Hermione could use magic freely around the house. He figured that as his mental health improved, he would probably return to magic. They had cut ties with the friends they used to party with, if the source of the drugs was not there then the temptation to take drugs would go as well. Despite this, both Harry and Hermione had relapsed several times. It was after a homemade video of Hermione in bed, clearly under the influence of Ecstasy, playing up to the phone camera and fucking two guys at an afterparty had appeared on several porn websites that they decided to get rid of their muggle phones and only leave the house if they had to.

The therapy was difficult. Faced with the raw emotions of their traumas without the cushion of party drugs, Harry had made several more attempts to take his own life. Hermione had stayed with him throughout the suicide attempts and relapses. True to her word she had stayed with him because, even through their lowest points, they were still getting help. After two years of treatment, Harry asked Hermione to marry him. Since the ‘video’ incident, they had become a couple and promised to remain faithful to each other. As an incentive, Hermione had agreed to marry him, but they would have the wedding after he had finished his treatment. Muggle doctors and wizard healers had been working together to create an effective anti-depressant for magic users. Hermione and Harry had been given a prescription for this new medicine and quickly resigned themselves to the possibility that they would probably have to take it for the rest of their lives. They had both joined charity organisations that provided group therapy for veterans of the Second Wizarding War. They still experienced symptoms of their PTSD, their nightmares and flashbacks were getting less frequent and less vivid. They did not totally disappear, they just became 'manageable' . They both had their ‘Bad days’ but they loved each other, they understood what the other was going through. They were patient with each other and helped each other through their bad days.

Together they would be okay.

End


End file.
